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| A year. A whole entire year.
For starters, and the one truth that
rings clear on even the hardest days, is that my God is faithful, and
that through it all, He hasn't left me alone. Ever. Not for one single
second, not for any given step.
It's amazing how much a person
can change in a year. Granted, this year has been one of the toughest
years i can remember, but the outcome, where I stand at this point, is
breathtaking. And my very favorite part is that I can't take a single
ounce of it and claim it for my own. Every stitch, every scab, every
time a wound has been torn open again, and every time it's grown shut
has been a direct effect of the hand of God. And i wouldn't have it any
other way.
I've been single for a year as of Wednesday, and it's
probably one of the greatest things that's ever happened to me. Not in
the "i don't need anybody, he was no good anyway" mentality, but i can
very readily say that it has completely shaped my faith. No, it wasn't
comfortable nor would I wish some of what I went through on my very
worst enemy. But it has almost entirely made me who I am in Christ
today.
I should also mention that I'm still healing. And still
growing. There are things that I still battle with, and am constantly
fighting; but my battle has already been won by the One who knows me
best and conquered the depths of Hell and despair to capture my heart.
Relationships frustrate me, especially those with the opposite gender,
but so very slowly I'm learning to leave them at the foot of the cross
to the One who holds my future anyway. And as I learn to lay them down,
things begin to look a lot less like scars and more like character.
So
for now, I will continue to dance. I will continue to follow my Leader
down this path that sometimes has the most glorious scenery, and
sometimes one that I can't see where my foot is going to be in the very
next step. I'll put my heart out there, and I'll probably get it handed
back to me a couple times again before it's all said and done. But it
will be Held all the while, and there is absolutely nothing that can
shake that. For I will not be moved.
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| and i'm awake. Why? Well you see, I'm not really sure myself. I have a 10:30 a.m. final in the morning, and I really want to be sleeping, but I'm not. So here I am. It could be because my mind is swamped with everything and anything, it could be because I had coffee tonight(albeit that was at 7:30), or it could also be because for some unknown reason my roommates have company over, and they're not quiet. Whatever the case, I'm awake. And I feel the need to debrief my life right now.
The best word that I could use to sum up my life at the moment would be: change. Now I know that my life is not changing as much as some people I know, but it's changing in almost every regard. Almost.
Saturday morning, my dear friend and roommate Cori, is going home, and then transfering to Moody Bible Institute in Chicago. I was really bummed about this when I found out, but the closer it gets, the more I find I'm really sad about it. She is an amazing woman of faith, and having her as a roommate, bathroom buddy, etc., has been a tremendous blessing. I really took for granted finding bible verses on notecards on my mirror when I had a big/busy day coming up, or simply having someone that shared the same values and belif system as I do. And when it comes down to it, she's my friend, and not having her here like I have every day for the past 4 1/2 months is simply going to be different. On the topic of leaving, I have a friend who is taking a semester abroad after Christmas, and while we're not as close as we were a few months ago, knowing that the dynamics of that friendship are, once again, changing and may or may not ever be the same as they once were, is a little frightning.
Relationships are interesting. With the holiday season upon us, my mind can't help but wander to the past 2 holiday seasons that I've spent with a significant other. This is by no means me wishing for that relationship back, nor considering that feelings are still there, it's simply remembering what was there, and Satan knows that he can get to me by reminding me of "what is no longer." I understand that this, too, is a part of the healing process, and these reminiscent emotions come and go in waves, but it seems that as I watch friends be in relationships, at this time of year especially, discussing multiple Christmases, getting the "perfect gift" for whoever it is they're with, so on and so forth, I find it hard to not remember a time when I was in that same spot. And frankly, those memories hurt a little. That entire paragraph sounded awfully pity party-esque. Not my intentions whatsoever. Finding my identity in Christ is a whole nother entry for itself, but here in the past few weeks, I've had circumstances that I have been counting on being a certain way, or seeing progress into the infamous "something more", very quickly closed and eliminated, without warning ( hooray for ambiguity!). I've seen myself question and be confused, and turn time and again to needing to rely on the sheer fact that who I am in Christ is sufficient,perfect, and enough, regardless of who does and doesn't notice it.
Dad beings his time of "ferlow"(as they're calling it) on Friday. Seeing him out of work, no matter how long it may be, is frustrating for me because I know it's frustrating for him. His job has been promised to be there when they resume production in February, but I know what a tough situation it puts him in, simply because of his personality and desire for being the "head of the household" by being a breadwinner. It has been a blessing, however, to see already through the seemingly small things, how God is already providing in a tougher time than my parents are accoustemed to .
On a much lighter note, I have made it through what I percieved back in August to be "an impossibly busy semester." I'm building relationships with people here that are lasting; I'm beginning to know some of the fellow SLP majors, and even some of the college kids on the worship team at my church that I didn't know before. He truly gives and takes away. And that's okay.
To wrap this all up, I suppose what all the things in my heart and life right now boil down to are faith. Yes, things are changing, and no, nothing in my life is certain, as is being proved to me time and again in my life right now. People change. Relationships come and go. Events happen, and no matter how prepared you perceive yourself to be, you never really are ready until they are upon you. But above all else, I serve a Creator and am loved by an Everlasting God who is just that...Everlasting.
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."*James 1:17
I had an awesome chance to sit in a coffee shop tonight, and while studying for finals, to take this all in and simply sit and do just that...take it all in and process what's going on in my life right now. I'm not normally a processor; I just worry about things to the extreme until I get used to them. Tonight was a welcomed change. I really am not worried about these things; they're just...happening. And I'm all in;w hether or not I understand them is another issue, but that day will come, too, and I have yet to be let down by the One who does understand them and who saw them long before I did.
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea...
God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. *Psalm 46:1-2,5
ps, the roommate and co. are still awake. (time:1:28) and playing a game. tomorrow, i may need a nap.
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| I didn't realize that it had been almost a year since i've done this. as i sit and look back over the past 365 days of my life, i come to the conclusion that the girl then would not recognize herself now, and right on the coattails of that thought is boundless praise. God has brought me to, and through so many different circumstances and situations that have transformed my heart and my outlook on so many different areas and issues...i'll try my best to keep this as short as possible while explaining what needs to be said :)
-I am no longer a taken woman, and it's wonderful. Through a series of, what seemed at the time unfortunate, circumstances, my 2 1/2 year relationship ended just a little over 8 months ago. I saw some of the darkest times i can recall shortly after that relationship was quickly brought to an end, but God has proved himself so incredibly faithful and real and sufficient that I can't image being in a relationship , let alone that relationship, right now. I must say that a very close second to Christ's faithfulness, has been that of my amazing friends :) I have been overly blessed with outstanding women of faith in my life who have stood by me thought it all and have kept my focus clear and my heart from exploding. They have been and continue to be (as the healing process is a long one) blessings that I can not descirbe in words.
-I spent the past summer at Prairie Camp, a place I can't imagine my life without. This summer, especially, God broke me in ways I was sure I could not be broken and challenged in ways that I never dreamed. I was forced so many times to relinquish absolutely everything of my self and around myself to the one who knows me best, and the way He moved, when I felt I could move no more, was breathtaking. I was also pushed in my walk by the faith refelcted by my campers, especially my young teen girls. Their hunger, drive, and sensitive spirits asked me to redefine my own faith and to examine my Walk. I made some lasting relationships with the staff as well, a core group of 3 other counselors to be exact. One was new this year, and two were some that I had worked with the entire time I had been at camp, but this summer those 3 became my family (because I was with them more than I was my own family!!); we cried together, we rejoiced together, we got "down and dirty" together, and we fought on our knees together. Again, I couldn't ask for better people in my life.
-As of August, I became an RA here at IPFW student housing. What a change! It has been a huge adjustment, but one I feel will leave a lasting impact. I work with 17 other RAs, and it was quite the change coming from working with camp staff, my best friends with whom I have so much in common with, to working with people who don't share my values, goals, morals, and standards. For the first few months of school I suffered from severe homesickness and doubt as to why I was here. I still struggle with this, however, I have come to the conclusion that IPFW is my misison field, and even though I seem to be the only one on my missions team, for now this is where I'm to be. I've learned so much about being in this world and not of it, and what it means to be a light in the darkness, even when it's haredest.
There you have it, the most inclusive yet briefest conclusion I can come up with. If you're still reading this, please, take a potty break or go play outside. :) Hopefully it won't be another year before I do this again, but who knows.
My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...
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| i love my friends. dearly, in fact.
but if i hear of one more person who is engaged
i think i might spit.
that's all.
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| let's make a list. pros and cons sounds really fun. ( i have a unique definition of the word "fun")
+ Thanksgiving countdown: 3 days!!
+Mom and Cara came to the Fort today and we went Christmas shopping. That was fun
+ Tuesday I get to observe a therapy session. It will be my first time on the therapist side actually knowing a bit about what is going on. Then I get to write a paper on it. Yeay for therapy and writing.
-Then I have to write a paper on it. That would constitute as over Thanksgiving break.
+ I took myself on a Starbucks date after work on Friday to work on my sociology paper. I splurged and got a piece of chocolate chip banana bread. It was delightful, and I was extremely content.
-No Black Friday shopping at insane hours with Nick and Kayla this year.
+ I get to see Kayla over break
+Nick comes back to the states in 28 days!!
+ The Christmas tree in our apartment is pretty and lighted.
+ White Peppermint Hot Chocolate
+ Cara said my house was clean today- it was the first time she had seen it since I've been here, and I worked really hard to get it really clean for her to see. Mission accomplished.
- My sociology paper is due on Monday and I'm not done.
why am i here and not working on it? because i've been working since 7 and my brain was about to begin to ooze. current time: 11:29
+ My sociology paper is due on Monday (therefore I will not have to worry about it after that day)
+ Did I mention that Thanksgiving break is in 3 days? and that I get to see Kayla and my boyfriend? Delightful.
God is good, all the time.
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